Any last words?

Alas the day has come; I’m going home. I am sitting at the airport with about 2 hours to kill until I can check in for my flight. Now, my plan was to spend this blog reminiscing and getting all nostalgic about China and how I’ve grown and learned and yada yada yada. But first, I just want to say that Chinese Airport Starbucks dicked me over by selling me gift cards with no money on them! I thought I wouldn’t have to pay for my airport breakfast this morning by using my prepaid gift cards at Starbucks, but low and behold I am drinking my hot chocolate paid for by money out of my pocket! (Cue grumbling and muttering to myself and the onset of a bad mood). I just wanted tell my story to the world so others don’t have to suffer as needlessly as I have. I hear that Starbucks rip offs are among the leading causes of emotional scarring throughout the world.

Well, I refuse to let Airport Starbucks interrupt my blog of wisdom and reflection, so here goes. It’s been a rough morning. Leaving is harder than I thought it would be. For the past few months I’ve been pissing and moaning about the pollution, the poop on the streets (animal or human…you never know), the incessant crowds, the staring…you name it, I’ve bitched about it. I’ve been so amped up to leave that I almost forgot about everything I’m going to miss. My friend Star, probably the best friend I’ve made in China, saw me off this morning, and saying goodbye to that kid was like an emotional punch in the gut. You’ve never met someone so sweet and caring about others. He’s like a teddy bear wrapped in cotton candy and topped with rainbows and sunshine. And there are so many just like him. If I could, I’d stuff them all in my suitcase and take them with me. With the exception of a rare few, I’ve found most Chinese people to be really kind and gracious. (This is excluding some douche bag taxi drivers and the airport employee who sold me the crap gift cards). And then there are the foreign teachers I worked with – a really oddly mixed group of people, but I would not have survived without them. Of all the things I will miss about China, I will miss people the most.

Now, I’m not going to romanticize my experience: to say I’ve loved every second of being in China would be a complete and utter lie. There are times I wanted bitch slap China in the face, and it probably wanted to do the same to me. My relationship with China was kind of like a high school romance – I had my period of infatuation and elation, and then things got a bit rocky and I wanted to take a break. We had high points and low points, and in the end, I will remember the high points fondly, and the low points were learning experiences for my future “relationships.” And just like any break up, I’m crying now that it’s over. But even the things that drove me out of my mind are a part of the culture that I wouldn’t have traded. Yeah, it’s different from what I’m used to, but if I wanted the familiarity of home, I would have stayed there. I’m a different person because of China. I got to immerse myself in a culture that before I had only vaguely learned about in history classes and through Jackie Chan movies. I got to do something I’ve been dreaming about for years, and I like to think I’m slightly the wiser for it.

There are many things I can do that seemed impossible when I first arrived. I remember feeling like an infant when I got here; I couldn’t express myself, I couldn’t order my own food, I couldn’t go anywhere without assistance. I was utterly helpless. I now know enough Chinese to have simple conversations, buy my own train tickets, order meals, and haggle with the best of ‘em. The Chinese language is not the white noise that it once was. Granted, half the time I’m making educated guesses at what they might possibly be saying and about 98% of the time I’m wrong. But that’s a 2% improvement from when I started! Since coming here, I’ve become a better multi-tasker: I can effectively wash dishes while showering. I’m not sure I’ll even remember how to do the dishes with my clothes on. I’ve also gained some aggression. Coming from a formerly passive person, this is actually a positive trait. I no longer politely stand aside while everyone takes advantage of my manners; I can elbow my way to the front of the line. I can shove my way onto a subway when it didn’t seem possible to fit one more person. I can make myself heard in a sea of screaming customers. In short, I traded in my manners for some assertion and learned to survive because of it. I have not, however, improved my ability to use squat toilets. I still manage to pee on myself a little bit every time. I now have deep respect for those who use these on a daily basis without soiling themselves.

What else can I tell you? I guess I learned to give up some of my pre-conceived notions and just go with it. Prior to my trip to China, I had Asians lumped into one category: clean, well mannered, organized and efficient. Turns out, that’s not entirely true. Chinese people come from a traditional, ritualized and structured culture, but that’s old school China. The rituals and traditions are often a thing of the past, and the majority of modern China is pushy, bustling and absolute chaos. I had to adapt. I had to get used to rules and directions and schedules changing on a whim. The cliché ‘expect the unexpected’ became my anthem. China’s constant pandemonium got on my nerves. A LOT. But, it was an awesome reminder that I am on someone else’s turf and I don’t get to dictate how I think someone else’s culture should be run. Living in China has been a pretty humbling experience: my customs and culture are not universal and I need to get over it. Once I stopped comparing and just appreciated China for the unique culture that it is, the irritation took a backseat to awe and observation. If I can take one thing away from China it is this: things are not what they seem and not what you expect, so just enjoy it for what it is. In the words of John Lennon, “Let it be.”

So as I am now leaving to board my plane and will be eating my mom’s lasagna in just 14 short hours, I will part with this: I am different because of China. Not better, not worse, but different. I spent a year in a foreign country that I knew absolutely nothing about. I used balls I didn’t know I had. I am ready to go, but there are many things I’m positive I will miss. I will miss my friends, street barbeques, Chinese babies, deciphering a new language, nightlife, fresh fruits on the street corners, my students, exercising with the foreign teachers, walking down unfamiliar alleys, using chopsticks, cheap beer, and being 100% out of my element. It will be nice to be able to read street signs and shop for all the foods I’ve missed, but I know what’s coming and it’s all expected. I will miss that about my life in China. I know now that my stint in China is not a ‘one-time only’ type of deal. I’m meant to surround myself with the unfamiliar, and someday I will be writing this blog from Honduras, or Morocco, or Finland, or wherever else I’m going to end up. So China, thanks for that. You have been one of the most defining experiences I’ve had to date and I won’t forget you. So take care of yourself China, I’m sure we’ll see each other again someday. Until then, peace out.

Oh China, you got me again

China, China, China. Sometimes I wonder to myself how this culture has survived for thousands of years and hasn’t gone extinct. These are quite clever people, but their lack of common sense/organization/logical planning is as bad as mine. (If you know me well, you know my common sense is practically non-existent). So, I’m hanging out at a café just killing time until the power comes back on in the apartment building. For the next five days, we are living without electricity from noon until midnight. It wouldn’t so bad if it wasn’t as hot as the devil’s rectum in our apartments! Being in the apartment without fans or AC is like sitting in a sauna without the benefits for your skin. So we find out about this two days prior to it happening, which to China’s credit, is quite advanced notice for them. Some of us had the idea that maybe we’ll blow this joint and head somewhere air conditioned for the weekend. Ahhhh, but then comes the second notice.

Right next to the lack of power bulletin is the newest news flash: because of the holiday next week, you will have three days off! However, you must make up all your classes this Saturday and Sunday. Excellent. What puzzles me is this: the holiday, Dragon Boat festival, is not a new holiday. It’s a national holiday that’s been around for a while. So the government, or the school, or Big Brother, or whoever is making the decisions around here has known about this upcoming festival for, presumably, a long time. So why is it that the decision to cancel work and school and convert Saturday and Sunday to the new Monday and Tuesday is happening with less than a week’s notice? I truly don’t understand how people aren’t in an uproar. If this happened in the West, people would be shitting their pants. Imagine that the week of Thanksgiving the government decides that everyone can have Friday off but instead they must work on Sunday. If it wasn’t so irritating, it would be comical. If you are an anal retentive, schedule oriented person, don’t come to China for an extended period time. I’m used to flakiness and change of plans because, well, I’m a flake. I’m just not used to it at a national level. At the end of the day (in which I am sitting in the dark) I realize I just have to roll with it. Maybe this is China’s way of teaching me that things don’t always go as planned. Suck it up and move on. End of story. But damn China, working on the weekend AND no AC? That’s harsh. I guess you got me again.

Lebanon!

So Thailand was supposed to be my last big side trip outside of China, but when you have family and a free place to stay in Lebanon, how do you say no to that? You don’t. So abandoning all hope of saving any money, I bought a plane ticket to Beirut and spent 8 days in the “Paris of the Middle East.” And lucky for me, my lovely aunt Sharon played the perfect hostess and tour guide. I’m not even sure where to begin; the entire trip was absolutely, ridiculously, out of this world amazing. I feel a little guilty saying this, like I’m cheating on China, but daaaaaaaaaaamn. The Mediterranean, the people, the food, the clean air, the Roman ruins, you name it, I loved it. Maybe I should just list a few of my favorite things, or does that sound too much like the song in the Sound of Music?

Well let’s start with my first night; after a long and exhausting flight, my aunt greets me and immediately takes me to her apartment that has: A) a kitchen sink B) a mattress that doesn’t resemble a plank of wood C) food that isn’t Chinese. It’s like my own personal heaven. Touring around Beirut the next few days was such a breath of fresh air, literally and metaphorically. The sky is bright blue, we are walking along the Mediterranean, people aren’t staring, babies are wearing diapers, and Middle Eastern men are pretty damn easy on the eyes. Turns out I’m the one staring. Beirut is such a fantastic blend of Eastern and Western cultures, historical and modern, optimism and a reminder of the past. Bullet laden buildings still stand as a reminder of the civil war and detriment that Lebanon underwent so recently, but the new and remodeled down town area represents progress and survival. Mosques and churches line the streets and gorgeous archaic buildings are tucked amongst the budding sky rises. I enjoy meandering around the city taking pictures down hidden streets, eating in cafes in the downtown area, and shopping in stores that carry my size. This city has character, and I just know eight days will not be long enough. (My God, I sound like I’m about to burst into song; I should take the cheese factor down a notch or two).

Just when I thought it couldn’t get more awesome, my aunt arranges for me to take a trip to Syria for a few days with some other Americans my age. Other than being detained at the border for four hours and having to hitchhike with some guards, the trip kind of rocked my world. We take a long, windy drive (with me attempting not to hurl in the backseat) to Krak de Chevaliers, a crusader castle in the hillsides. AWESOME. The architecture, the views, the landscape, everything about it is intensely gorgeous and mesmerizing. Next up, a quick stop to visit the water wheels that are hundreds of years old for some amazing pictures. (Well mine are pretty amateur, but I’m sure somebody with talent would have taken amazing shots). My favorite part of Syria, besides the hummus, would definitely have to be the day at the Souks. As a huge fan of shopping, I thoroughly enjoy shopping when you can talk your way down from the original price. For this, I have to thank China for beefing up my bargaining skills. Everywhere in China you must bargain as if your life depends on it. I was planning on being thrifty and buying just a neat little souvenir or two, but who are we kidding. I had to feed my scarf addiction and do my part to help the Syrian economy. I’m pretty sure if Syria wasn’t thriving before, it was after I came through. Had I more room in my suitcase and more money in my wallet, I probably could have emptied some of those stalls of their entire inventory. FYI, my apartment will be homage to my travels; looks like Barrett’s stuff is going to have to find a new home in the storage unit.

My few days in Damascus and the Syrian countryside quickly come to an end, but that means I still have more time to spend in Beirut. The next few days each start out the same: drinking tea and reading a book on the balcony overlooking the Mediterranean. After that I wander around the city by foot- peering into shops, walking along the Corniche, and ogling Lebanese men. Did I mention they’re good looking? My trip also would not have been complete without the amazing day trips my aunt planned for me. One would be the day I spent in Baalbeck; a site dedicated to ruins that date back to the Phoenician era complete with some of the most impressive ruins and temples I’ve ever seen. Next highlight would be the afternoon I spent at the American University of Beirut. Did you know they have their own private beach on the campus? All of a sudden, my alma mater is looking quite crappy in comparison; all we had was a damn rodeo. And, last but not least, the highlight of not just my trip, but probably of my life is seeing the Jeita caves. This cave and grotto is a couple hours outside of Beirut and up for one of the seven natural wonders of the world. It has my vote. Walking in there is like entering an Indiana Jones movie; the most amazing natural formations I’ve ever seen in my entire life – stalagmites and stalactites the size of full grown men. It’s just bad ass; I don’t know how else to describe it. And the grotto has this piercing jade colored water that I could never ever forget if I tried. It’s truly one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen in my 26 years of existence. It’s too bad that photography isn’t allowed and that I tend to abide by the rules. Bugger.

So, sadly, after 8 glorious days of soaking up Middle Eastern culture and smoking my first hookah with Aunt Sharon, it’s time to go home. And I wish with all my heart that I could say my journey home was as smooth and enjoyable as my whole vacation, but alas I cannot. It seems that on my last day in Beirut I ate something that didn’t quiiiiite agree with me. I was fine on the flight to Dubai, but somewhere during my 10 hour layover, this mystery food caught up with me. And it caught up with me in every bathroom in the Dubai airport, and unfortunately on a passerbyer on the path to the toilets. Sir, you know who you are, and again, I apologize. And wouldn’t you know it, when you have to puke and pee at the same time, they don’t always take turns like they should. So as I’m boarding the plane to Beijing, everyone around me is kind of holding their nose because I smell of almost every bodily function known to man. Yep, I guess this is how I choose to represent America – smelling like piss and vomit. It concerns me that this is the second blog in less than a year that has a large section dedicated to puke. Did I do something in a past life? Is this karma? Anyways, after arriving in Beijing exhausted and smelly, I want nothing more than just to get on the 2 hour train to Shijiazhuang and pass out in my own bed. But there are no trains. Wouldn’t you fucking know it? So guess who gets stuck on a 7 hour sleeper bus complete with old men urinating in the aisle? If you guessed me, contact me for your grand prize. I think this was China’s own special way of welcoming me back with gusto. Strangely enough, it does kind of feel good to be home. Who would have thought? So thanks for tuning in for my spectacular Lebanese adventure, and I bid you adieu until next time.

Having a Big Ass in China

Curvy. Voluptuous. Full-figured. Pleasantly plump. Whatever you want to call it, I’m not thin by any stretch of the imagination. And while I may have been a little self conscious of it in the States, the average female in America is between size 12 and 14, so I never felt too out of place. Fast forward to living in China: the average female weight is probably between 25 and 30 pounds. That might be a slight exaggeration, but I swear it’s not that far off base! If anything is going to make you feel like a chunker, being surrounded by these bean poles will. In case you haven’t seen any Asian people lately, let me tell you, a very small minority of them have any meat on their bones. These people are tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny. So if being white doesn’t make me stand out enough, having sizable hips doesn’t help matters.

To make things worse, Chinese people are super obsessed with weight and super open about it to boot. I still remember my very first week of classes; students were assigned partners and had to introduce each other to the class. Some of the girls would introduce their friends with lead-ins such as, “This is my friend. She is fat because she is lazy and does not exercise.” The first shock to my system was that this was a perfectly acceptable way to speak about your friends – no offense taken. It’s not an insult if it’s a “fact.” The second shock was when I actually examined these alleged fat girls. These girls are probably 110 pounds soaking wet. If Chinese girls have anything resembling curves, padding, boobs, or an ass – they are fat. The sad thing is that the weight obsession starts ridiculously young. I tutor 10 year olds on the weekend, and one girl is so tiny she looks like she has rickets, and the other is a perfectly normal and healthy weight for a child. But of course, the tiny one calls the other one fat on a consistent basis. Body image here is warped. Some girls are afraid of exercising because they don’t want to get muscular like a boy. A student of mine told me her biggest fear in life is getting fat. Now you may be asking yourself right now, “Has she deluded herself into thinking there are no ridiculous standards of being thin and beautiful in the States?” Nope. I’m aware of our them; however, it’s small potatoes compared to the Chinese preoccupation with being slender.

So how has all of this affected me? Well, if I had a dollar for every time a Chinese person told me that I’m beautiful, but I’d be more beautiful if I lost weight, I’d be a fucking millionaire. Sometimes they try to offer helpful weight loss tips, like not eating, which has worked well for them. And shopping here? Not many options for me to choose from. (But if I’m being really honest, Chinese fashion doesn’t much appeal to me anyway). The thing is, I know that even if I cut my weight in half, they would probably still think there was more weight to lose. I’m aware they have an obsession with being stick-thin, and that curves and boobs are deemed unattractive. I also know that I would never want to be that thin and that I would look ridiculous as a bean pole. But that doesn’t mean that the comments and stares aren’t soul crushing sometimes. In a way I’ve kind of grown immune to it all, but I think one day I might snap and start force feeding lard down everyone’s throats. There are many things I will miss about China, but this I will not. I’m excited to get back to a country known for supersizing everything and where the word ‘fat’ is considered rude. I want to go back to a place where Beyonce’s body is considered rockin’ and not obese. I want to be able to go into stores that have my size and have more than two options to choose from. I want to be home where there is more than one version of beautiful! All I know is, come July 14th I will be in America feasting on lasagna, garlic bread, cupcakes, and whatever artery clogging food I can get my hands on, and damn it, I will embrace my steadily spreading ass!

A day in the life

So I found a real café in Shijiazhuang, and not the crappy chicken/tea restaurant that I was using as a second rate substitution. This café has great big plush couches, exotic teas, a piano player, and a variety of over-priced foods to munch on. It’s everything a café should be. Unfortunately, the only reason I found this place was because I was taken there on a job interview. Or at least that’s what the guy told me it would be. Turns out, not a job interview, but a “date” with a pervy married guy who has a son named Obama. It did not matter how many times I told this guy I was involved/ not interested/would never be interested/would rather date an orangutan, he would just wink conspiratorially and tell me he understood my need to keep things secret. I just wanted to meet and learn how make an extra few bucks on the weekend, and instead the evening turned into the longest hour and a half of my life. I highly regret not bringing enough cash to pay for my own taxi ride home so I could bust the hell out of there, but live and learn is my motto. But on the upside I now have a new kick ass café where I can write my blogs in peace.

At the moment I’m taking a break from planning lessons to write about the current goings-on in China. Most of my students are preparing for a crazy important exam; if they don’t pass this test then their degree is about as useful as toilet paper. On second thought, toilet paper is pretty useful, but I think you get where I’m going with this. As a result, they are on edge, cranky, and very difficult to please right now. If we do test preparation, they find this stressful and overwhelming. If we play games to help practice their English then it’s not useful and it’s beneath them. I can’t win at the moment so I’ve given up trying to please everyone. I suppose that if I were in their shoes I’d be crapping myself too, so I’m going to cut them a little slack. I’m just hoping they go back to their happy-go-lucky selves soon enough. The week after the test I promised them a movie to celebrate – this is a big reward for them. Although, after having to watch Elf nine times in one week, I’ve learned my lesson-show different movies to different classes.

So other than dealing with grumpy students, life in China is going along swimmingly. The weather is improving and every once in a while, blue skies have been peaking through the thick haze of smog. Warm weather is approaching, although you’d never know it by the way Chinese people are dressed. Weather that I would deem worthy of capri pants and t-shirts is still long sleeves and jacket weather to them. Chinese people are deathly afraid of cold. I’m not making this up. Very few of them drink cold water – it’s always hot. They also are adamantly against fans/air conditioning/etc. In fact, they have glass suction type massages for the sole purpose of removing the “cold” that is trapped in your body. I received this treatment my very first week in China, and as a result my back looked liked a demented Twister game. I get the biggest kick out of watching students freak out when I wear a short sleeved shirt to class. They audibly gasp like I just came in naked, or like I denounced Chairman Mao. Ahhh, their Mao obsession – that’s a topic about which I could write an entire blog; but that’s a tangent for another day. Back to the topic at hand – the warm weather. My favorite part of this weather? Glad you asked. The outdoor barbeques are back. For under $5 a few of us can sit outside and eat lamb kabobs, fried bread, chicken wings, and grilled veggies. It’s positively one of my favorite things to do on a nice warm evening. Afterwards you can stroll down the street and get skewered fruit kabobs for about 10 cents. There’s something about cheap. fresh fruit on every corner that just makes life a little bit better.

Any other news in China? Well, I had a 4 day weekend last weekend so I only worked about 10 hours last week. Ha, I can feel the death glares. Last weekend was Tomb Sweeping Holiday so students had a Monday off of work and school to honor the dead. Here’s a trivial tidbit for you – Chinese people wear white to funerals. I tell you I’m learning something new every day! On my day off I had an invitation for a day trip with students that I only accepted because I didn’t know how to say no. As it turns out, I’m really glad I went. I was mildly skeptical at first, because Chinese people have a relatively different concept of what constitutes as fun. After all, these are the students who report back every week about spending their weekends playing computer games and chatting on the internet to their friends in the next dormitory. But wouldn’t you know it, these students busted out their wild sides to take me to see the oldest bridge in the history of the world.

We had to meet at 7:30 am which is still the middle of the night, but I guess it’s necessary to get up that early when you have to transfer buses 3 times. So a group of 7 students and I, along with my British friend Fiona, took a 2 hour journey to a nearby county. Students were hoping to see the pear trees blossoming, but we were about 3 weeks too early for that. Plan B: Check out a nearby temple and watch a procession of monks. I’ve seen a lot of temples, and it’s true they all start to meld together after a while, but this one happened to be spectacularly beautiful. When it comes down to it, a nice morning checking out a quiet temple beats sleeping in and surfing our ridiculously slow internet.

So after the temple we take a tuk-tuk ride to the infamous Zhao Zhou Bridge. Students, in their attempt to be helpful, wanted me to get in for half price so they lent me a student ID card. Did you know that I don’t look Chinese and that I cannot successfully pass off for someone named Wang Mengmeng? This bridge better rock my world, because I just paid full price. So, its big claim to fame is being the oldest arch bridge in the history of bridges. I guess it’s kind of cool, in its own first bridge kind of way. Although, it quickly loses its luster after about four and a half minutes. Never fear, there is shopping, and picnics and boat rides, oh my! Boat riding wasn’t my idea, but if 7 students want to paddle in some smelly and murky water, who am I to kill the dream? And bless ‘em, they rowed their hearts out. True, my students were equivalent to the Special Olympics rowing team, and I doubt they’ll be going out for crew any time soon, but they are just so damn cute! You can’t help but love them and their hearts of gold.

In other news, I am still on a quest to make the most of my last few months in China. I went hiking this weekend at a local mountain, and when I say hiking I mean stair climbing. There is nothing remotely natural about the paths up mountains in China. It’s all man-made steps, and after about half an hour my ass is completely on fire. Luckily it’s quite pretty and nice to get out of the city, but I miss Mount Rainier, and trails, and winding paths sans litter. And this is the first time I’ve ever seen hikers smoking as they puff and hack their way up the mountain. Hiking, like everything else in China, is back-asswards from what I’m used to. But the cherry blossoms are blooming, the Chinese hikers are friendly, and I am definitely sculpting my calves. The pretty awesome cherry on the mountain-shaped-sundae is the temple that’s in the process of being built at the top. I’ve never seen the temple process in action, and we got to meet the architect and designer of the religious statues. I’m glad I checked out this mountain before they turn it into an expensive tourist trap.

I think that about sums up the most interesting things going on in my life at the moment. I’m still studying my Chinese with the help of some Chinese friends and an illegally downloaded copy of Rosetta Stone. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but God Bless China’s pirating opportunities! Anyways, I can speak a handful of relevant Chinese phrases- nothing brag-worthy, but I’ve been able to make do and speak some very limited conversations. Other than that, I’m planning on hitting up the Botanical Gardens and a hanging temple next weekend. Hopefully within a few weeks I’ll have more updates for you on the awesomeness that is my life in China.

The Small, Slender, Chinese Wedding

On January 2nd of this year I was able to attend a pretty rad demonstration of Chinese culture – a Chinese wedding. I am aware it’s already May, so my blogging is just sliiiiiightly behind schedule. Oops. So I received the wedding invite via text message from the groom. The groom, Devin, is the assistant/translator for a CEO that I occasionally teach private English lessons. He’s a pretty cool guy, and even though I don’t know anyone, I figure this is probably the only time in my life I will get to attend a Chinese wedding. The first immediate difference between Chinese and American weddings – the bride and groom are waiting together at the entrance of the hotel to greet guests as they arrive. I’m escorted to a round table and sit next to the CEO and some of his business associates. At the table are some appetizers, Chinese white wine, and several packs of expensive cigarettes. A quick note on traditional Chinese white wine- it is Satan in a shot glass. This stuff is strong and tastes like jet fuel - a few shots of this and people have to peel me off of the floor. On a secondary note – if someone important offers you this drink, it’s a big slap in the face to them if you refuse. More on that later.

So the Chinese ceremony and reception are one meshed event so there’s no need to change locations. The party comes to us! So the lights have been dimmed and the ceremony is beginning. Now keep in mind I can only understand about every 18th word, so my comprehension is shall we say, somewhat minimal. But my powers of observation are still in check, so here’s what I gathered: The bride and groom walk down the aisle separately and the atmosphere is kind of like a rave. Bright and multicolored strobe lights are flashing and confetti is being pelted at them. When they finally make their way up the aisle, there is a lot of speech giving, bowing to the parents, and drinking from a tower of flowing champagne. It’s all very sweet, but I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing at the music selection. The only songs I can understand are “I can Show you the World” from Aladdin, and a power ballad from the eighties. I can’t remember the name of the song, but the lyrics go a little something like: “I’m your laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaady, and you are my man….whenever you reach for me…” and so on and so forth. Man oh man, leave it to the Chinese to use these songs in their wedding soundtrack.

So after a short 15 or 20 minute ceremony, the bride and groom walk back down the aisle and then the food and drinking commence. The platters of traditional Chinese food start coming, and coming, and they just keep coming. It’s traditional to have way more food than can possibly be eaten but I gave it my best shot. Free food? Wouldn’t you dig in too? So after everyone starts stuffing their faces, the Chinese start their tradition of toasting everyone and their dog walkers’ uncles. Just when you start to take a delicious bite, someone comes over and we must stand up and do the obligatory toasting and cheersing with the drinks of “liquid Satan.” I mean seriously, every time I took a mouthful of food, someone else was at our table eager to clink some glasses. So, not wanting to be rude, I stand up every time someone raises their glass and I down that devil of a drink. If I’ve failed to mention it before, baijiu has an alcohol content of about 4 bajillion percent. So my politeness has now gotten me tanked, but before I make too big of an ass out of myself, the wait staff comes around and clears plates, the lights come up, and the message is clear: Everyone get the hell out. The entire wedding from start to finish is an hour and a half. Luckily for me, the CEO offered to drive me home so I didn’t have to stumble out in the snow and find a taxi in my state. It was by far, the shortest, most direct, and to the point wedding I've ever been to. Maybe American weddings should take the hint...

The Miss List

This blog is purely for my own whining, self pity, and nostalgia. I have hit the 6 month mark- officially over half way through my maiden voyage. As the finish line is still looming off in the distance, I am rapidly consumed with thoughts of what I am missing most in the good old US of A. I don’t miss all of these things all the time, but since I’m being truly self indulgent here, I’m putting it all out there. Hardly newsworthy I know, but here, in no particular order, is my “miss list” from home.

1. Family & friends
2. Barrett
3. Soft mattresses
4. Butterfingers
5. Children in diapers
6. Shower curtains
7. Soy chai lattes
8. Unrestricted internet access
9. Mexican food
10. Privacy
11. Bed Bath and Beyond (I don’t know why)
12. The English alphabet
13. Hot chocolate
14. Magazines (that I can read)
15. Fresh air
16. Anonymity
17. Driving
18. A kitchen sink
19. Movie theaters
20. Dairy
21. Nature
22. Bubble Baths
23. Powell’s Bookstore
24. Ovens
25. Traffic laws
26. Properly formed lines
27. Toilet paper in public restrooms
28. Consistency – well that’s not a guarantee at home, either
29. Holidays
30. My dog

The Hodge Podge Blog

I am sitting in the closest thing to a café I can find in Shijiazhuang, drinking my 75 cent cup of milk tea and contemplating how I am going to spend my remaining four months in China. Hard to believe I’m on the downward slope; it snuck up on me much faster than I expected. My options are somewhat limited now until glorious pay day, thanks to my spending sprees and traveling extravaganzas. But I’ve been doing some heavy thinking about what’s up next for me, and I’ve come to some profound (according to me) conclusions. First, I intend to save up for more traveling, despite my parents’ warnings that I will have no money to my name when I finally make it back home. Next stop on the journey: Lebanon. I have an awesome aunt teaching there as we speak, and I figure as long as I’m out and about, why not? A ticket to Beirut from China is much cheaper than a ticket from the States. That being said, it’s still not chump change. So if anyone has any inclination to donate to the “Emily’s poor and wants to go traveling fund,” drop me a line and I’ll be happy to give you account info where you can donate to your heart’s content. Aside from Lebanon, I am planning to take a weekend trip to Tsingdao on the coast, and also Xi’an to visit the infamous Terracotta Warriors. These are my “must sees,” and if I can scrape up enough cash, I’m dying to visit Yunan Province in the south of China. But I’m not going to push my luck, so I’ll have to play that one by ear.

Other than traveling, I guess there are a lot of ways I want to spend the next few months. I’m psyched about teaching this semester; I have all the same classes and it really feels like some of them are making real progress. A lot of students are starting to say “thank you” instead of “sank you,” so I call that a victory. So, keep up my awesome teaching is goal number one. Ha, how conceited did I just sound right there? Next up is to cherish the precious free time I have and put it to awesome use. I’ve been reading more books, learning to play guitar, and attempting to lose a few notches on my belt. Some other teachers and I have been rockin’ the Tae Bo scene pretty hard 4 or 5 times a week. So don’t be surprised if you’re mesmerized by my sculpted muscles upon my return. I won’t blame you for staring. Hmmmmm….what else? Well, if you’ve been reading this blog then you’re probably aware that I have taken a great deal of advantage of the free liquor and pirated DVDs. As much as I’ve enjoyed it, I’d like to claim I did more than drink myself into oblivion and watch a lot of Lost when someone asks me what I did in China. So, I’m attempting to extricate myself from my apartment more often and venture into the city. I know that Shijiazhuang is kind of like the North Dakota of China, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make my own entertainment. So I plan to take random buses into the city and get off at unknown stops. I want to do more hiking, take more pictures, talk to more strangers, try unknown restaurants, and get a little more lost here. That’s my goal; I’ll be sure to keep you apprised of the results.

So I think I’m actually getting a bit ahead of myself here. Here I am telling you about future plans when I’ve yet to mention the last few weeks of traveling. Staying true to this blog, it’s all about China. I’ve written all about Hainan Island and Thailand, and now we’re back to Beijing. Kerianne and I are joined by our friend Jacqui to spend the next 8 days together and celebrate Chinese New year. And bless Jacq’s heart she came bearing magazines and Butterfingers. The great thing about traveling with these girls is I can now see all the sights I’ve wanted to see without boring those who have seen it before. On the downside, a lot of crap is closed because of Chinese New Year. Speaking of which, you have not seen fireworks until you’ve been to China during the New Year. I hate to break it to you Fourth of July, but China’s in the major leagues and you’re still playing T-ball. If I hadn’t known any better I would have sworn World War III had just busted out. No words I use will even begin to describe the insanity of those fireworks, but for the next three days I could still smell and feel the firework residue all around. And do the Chinese stop the fireworks after one day? Of course not, that would be too inexpensive and environmentally sound; this crap lasts for three weeks. Now I’m not trying to knock cultural festivities or anything, but wouldn’t you think those fireworks would get a little old after a while? I guess I’m a bit of a downer because one day is just plenty for me.

[Side note: As I’m looking back and editing this blog, I am attempting to drown out the sound of even more fireworks. Apparently now we are celebrating the completion of the first month of the Chinese calendar. So from what I have gathered, this festival celebrates that the Dragon is raising his head, and apparently we’re all supposed to get haircuts. If you get your haircut before the end of the first month, it could mean bad luck or even death for your uncle. I swear to you I’m not making this up.]

So after 7 or 8 days in ice cold Beijing, we are taking a side trip to Shanxi Province to a city called Datong. We took a sleeper train and had ourselves a wee bit of a situation. Trying to argue in Chinese that you won’t be sleeping in someone else’s dirty sheets when you don’t know the Chinese word for “dirty” or “sheets” is not as easy as it sounds. After wild pantomiming and much frustration, other passengers requested to be moved out of our sleeper car. We had ourselves some clean sheets and privacy, so I guess it all worked out in the end. So even though we were exhausted from a 6 hour ride on rock hard sleepers, we arrived in Datong at 6 am and psyched for a full day of sightseeing. The day started with a quick gander at the Nine Dragon Screen: a long, exquisite, ceramic screen that appears as though nine dragons might actually leap out at you. The next spot in the itinerary was my personal favorite of the day, the Yunang Caves. The 26 caves have been transformed into spiritual and storytelling masterpieces, each elaborately filled with hand carved Buddhas ranging from 1 inch to 50 feet high. I know Kerianne and Jacq loved it as well, but I think they were a little Buddha’d out after a while. I’m a huge geek and I found the whole experience mind blowing. The final destination for the day was the hanging temple which is so called because it hangs out of the side of a mountain. The temple looks like a short climb, but once you’re up there it feels pretty damn high. I have a small phobia of heights, but Jacq’s is worse than mine. Let me just say, that girl is a trooper. All in all, the temple, the views, and the thrill make this sight pretty freaking awesome. All three of us give Datong a very enthusiastic two thumbs up.

Fortunately for us, our train ride back to Beijing was much smoother and the following day Jacq went back to the US. All that’s left of my travels was to show Kerianne around Shijiazhuang and then get her safely on a plane to Shanghai. She was, as most people are, a little underwhelmed by everything Shijiazhuang has to offer, but we still managed to have a good time. The day before she is preparing to leave and I am preparing to spend one week lying in bed, she makes me an offer I can’t refuse. She is going to Shanghai for a couple days and asks if I would like to meet her and hang out in Hong Kong for three days. Who in their right mind would turn down a trip to Hong Kong?! I had just enough time to do my laundry, lounge around for two days, get bored of lounging, and then hop on a plane to meet her in Hong Kong! [Personal message to Kerianne: Just because you go through customs doesn’t mean Hong Kong is its own country!]

Three days in Hong Kong is just long enough to make me realize I definitely want to come back and spend more time in Hong Kong. Aside from all the British influence, I couldn’t find any flaws. The first day was spent fulfilling one of Kerianne’s goals to visit every Disney Land the world has to offer. Hong Kong Disneyland makes up for its’ lack of rides by offering photo ops with the characters in traditional Chinese outfits. Is it sad that we waited in line for over an hour to have our pictures taken with Chinese Mickey and Minnie? Probably. But it was still awesome.

Our second day in Hong Kong started at the crack of noon, and we took a nearly vertical tram to “The Peak.” On a clear day, The Peak is supposed to have unrivaled views of the city. On a cloudy day, the view isn’t quite as spectacular, but still definitely worth the trip. The world’s most expensive house is up there, along with some tacky malls, and a gorgeous nature walk around the entire peak. True to our traveling natures, Kerianne was excited about the malls and I was stoked for the nature walk. I really miss trees. After The Peak we took a short ferry ride to a nearby island for a seafood dinner on the waterfront. As I’m writing this I realize just how much that sounds like a date. We topped off our romantic evening with a trip to one of Hong Kong’s most famous night markets and haggled for souvenirs. I will really miss the haggling when I get back to the States. I wouldn’t be surprised if I start trying to bargain for cheaper face wash in Target or yelling at Safeway employees for the outrageous prices of their produce. Heads up to my friends and family - you might not want to be seen with me in public for the first month or so after I get back.

For our very last day in Hong Kong, we actually opted to spend it on the island of Macau instead. Macau, much like Hong Kong, just recently became a part of China again. Unlike Hong Kong, Macau was occupied by Portugal and not Britain. It’s very surreal to see Chinese signs with Portuguese written underneath. Macau is known as the Las Vegas of Asia, so we spent the bulk of the evening in the casinos rather than sightseeing. Asian Vegas provided me no more luck than American Vegas did. I walked out of there with 100 RMB less than I walked in with. Note to self: if you’re poor, it’s not wise to gamble with what little money you do have. Although I’m sure if I’d won I’d be singing an entirely different tune. Exhausted, we took a 2 am ferry back to Hong Kong so I could get up at 7 am for my flight back home. A very awesome three days if I do say so myself.

Well wouldn’t you know it, I’ve updated you on just about everything significant that has happened to me in the past few months. Scrolling up I’m realizing just how long I’ve rambled on for, so thanks for sticking this blog out. Until next time!

How did this blog get in here?

So, if you’ve been following this blog you’re most likely aware that it consists of my tales, triumphs, and woes of living in China. Well, I figure it’s about time to shake things up a bit and throw a bit of variety your way. So for your viewing pleasure, I am dedicating this blog to the 10 days I spent in Thailand. Still within the Asian realm, I’m assuming Thailand still constitutes as relevant traveling info. So fasten your seat belts ladies and gentlemen – we’re headed to Bangkok.

After saying another goodbye to Barrett and once again weeping and making a scene at the airport, I set off to Bangkok to meet Kerianne. A good friend since college, K Dawg and I are still puzzled as to why we’re friends. This girl and I are like oil and water, day and night, Ann Coulter and a decent human being. But somehow, despite our opposite stances on just about EVERYTHING, we’ve managed to solidify these differences into a pretty stellar friendship. Now we’re about to push the boundaries and become traveling buddies. And are we still friends after spending one month together traipsing around Asia? Stay tuned.

The original plan is to meet at a hostel in Bangkok and spend 10 days there rockin’ the thrifty traveler lifestyle. Kerianne beats me there, and after having spent a shitty week in Russia, she is not psyched to stay at our sub-par hostel. I didn’t think the hostel was too bad, but this again highlights our one of many vast differences. She could use a few days at the beach, and who am I to say no to that? So thanks to her generous family, we are heading out first thing in the morning (and by that I mean 11:30 am) to the Hard Rock Hotel in Pattaya.

As it turns out, Pattaya is a bit crowded and touristy for my taste, but it is perfect for a few days of sun, sand, and beating the “Barrett’s-gone-and-I-won’t-see-him-for-another-5-months” blues. And soak up the sun, we did. Somehow to my disappointment but not surprise, I’m still a ghastly shade of white. We also partake in some bargain price parasailing (I don’t recommend it), and I finally lose my jet skiing virginity. This choppy half an hour of stopping/starting/falling off around the ocean is perhaps my favorite 30 minutes of the entire trip. So if anyone needs an idea for my welcome back present, a jet ski will earn you major props. I won’t even take credit for the idea.

On our last morning in Pattaya, we treat ourselves to a traditional Thai massage. A bargain price of $10 for one hour, but I’m not sure who the massage is most therapeutic for: me or the masseuse. If you have anger issues and need to take them out on someone while getting paid for it, I highly recommend moving to Thailand and taking up the art of massage. I don’t know what I did to this lady in a previous life, but she sure as hell felt like taking it out on me now. I don’t think my muscles were meant to move like that. Who knew a 90 pound Thai woman had so much pent up rage! Strangely enough, after a 60 minute beating, I walk away feeling like a brand new woman, and as I write this I am having a masochistic craving for a massage right now. Side note: 4 days later I want a reflexology foot massage and am turned away because it is that time of the month. Hrrrmmmpph. This feels like Biblical times and I am being forced to leave the village. Maybe they are afraid I will attract bears. Who knows, but if you have answers as to why, please enlighten me.

Feeling relaxed and rejuvenated from our 3 days in Pattaya, we are ready to hit Bangkok for some hard core sight seeing. Thank God the one thing Kerianne and I do have in common is our shared love of sleeping in; an early start for us means leaving the hotel room before 12:30 pm. In one week, we manage to cram in a ton of sight seeing. We see the Grand Palace, the Wat Arun (a temple with VERTICAL stairs), the zoo, the floating market, a silk entrepreneur’s mansion, shrines, and Budhhas, Buddhas, and more Buddhas; you name it, we saw it. And did you know that Bangkok is kind of like the Venice of Asia? I didn’t. We took a boat tour of the canals and saw a completely different side of the city. Our favorite sight seeing highlights? Well, since day one, Kerianne had her sights set on riding an elephant in Thailand. A word to the wise, do not mess with this girl if she has her eye on the prize. Nothing will deter her. So after the Floating Market we make our way to the Rose Garden for the elephant show to check out some elephants shakin’ what their mamas gave them. And alas, Kerianne was finally able to ride her elephant. True it was only for about 40 seconds and in one small circle, but she was able to ride it nonetheless.

Another joint favorite of ours would undoubtedly be the Lady Boy show. (Side note: I don’t think its actual name is the Lady Boy show, but that’s what I coined it.) Thailand is pretty well known for its transvestites, so they bank on it by putting on a kick ass cabaret show comprised of all men. Women, if you want to feel badly about yourself, go to a Lady Boy show. Personally, nothing makes me feel crappier than walking away and wishing I could look as good in women’s underwear as these men did. But as they say, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. And try as I might, I was unable to detect Adam’s apples or any, um, hint of manliness south of the border. I would have sworn these were actually women and this whole show was just a farce, but then I heard the voices and that theory went out the window. The best part? The photo ops afterwards. I had my picture taken with as many Lady Boys as would let me. I’m pretty sure, and Kerianne confirms, that I made an ass out of myself gushing about their beauty, turning bright red, and then pushing and shoving to get my picture with the next Lady Boy down the line. So, if you don’t feel like getting me a jet ski, a Lady Boy for my own personal entertainment will also suffice. I’m just throwing ideas out there.

So was the entire trip all peaches and cream? Not exactly. There were most definitely times when the respective traveling styles of Kerianne and I clashed big time. I aim to abandon the comforts of home when traveling whereas Kerianne prefers to embrace them. We had to bust out our compromising skills and put them to good use. So I kept my eye rolling and moaning to a minimum as we perused the inside of many malls and McDonalds, and she did the same while we ate in hole-in-the-wall Thai restaurants and I took a gazillion pictures of tropical flowers. As a lover of PB & J, pizza, and classic American cuisine, Thai food was not exactly up Kerianne’s alley. But bless her peanut butter loving heart; she gave Thai food a shot, even if it was mostly chicken fried rice. She even claimed to enjoy the dessert of mango, and coconut sticky rice. P.S. that dessert was so amazing I had to change my pants afterwards. Suffice it to say, neither of us got to do things exactly the way we wanted the whole time, but somehow we managed to create a pretty good mix of the two us without any eye gouging or hair pulling. A few close calls, but somehow, to our disbelief, we’re still friends.

My final review of Bangkok would state that I found it to be a fascinating city, but one I’m not positive I would return to. The sights and history are spectacular; the intricacy and elaborateness of the temples is almost unparalleled. The spirituality and devotion expressed on street side shrines is both inspiring and mesmerizing. The boat ride through the canals offered a unique view of Bangkok I’d never expected to see. On the downside, the traffic in Bangkok is enough to make the most patient person in the world want to slit their own wrists. Doesn’t matter if it’s 11 am or 11 pm – all traffic all the time. The city is also insanely busy, geared toward tourism, and I think I heard more English than Thai being spoken. While I emphatically recommend visiting Bangkok, I think my next trip to Thailand will be aimed at places a little more remote and off the beaten path. That being said, I am now a big fan. Go see it for yourself and let me know what you think.

'Tis the Seasons!

Is it Chinese New Year already? It sounds so cliché to ask where this year has gone, but how is it possible this much time has already elapsed? In one short week I will be celebrating the Year of the Tiger in the streets of Beijing amongst millions of people. This only reminds me I have been neglecting my blogging duties and have not written anything about how I spent my own holiday season. The shame has eaten me up inside, so I now feel it my duty to fill you in on the highlights from Halloween to New Years with a top-ten-style recap.

1. Student Halloween party – slap on some wings, antennas, and cheap pink eye shadow, and step back folks, we have a butterfly! The students went ape shit for it and snapped photos non-stop until my cheeks ached from smiling. I was roped into singing "Ghost Busters", was abandoned by the other foreign teachers, forgot the words, and made a complete ass of myself. I think some of my lyrics may have included “If you’re in China, and you’re feelin’ finah, who you gonna call?”

2. Halloween night – Mortified from earlier performance; must console myself by drinking too much vodka.

3. Thanksgiving Shopping – What to do for Thanksgiving when there is no oven in sight? Say to hell with tradition, that's what! Another teacher and I went shopping and ended up coming home with way more than necessary – became mildly excited at the foreign food store and bought 4 different types of cheese. We walked out of the store with a crap load of groceries. Apparently we needed more people – or sturdier bags. Broke the eggs and had to go back a second time.

4. Thanksgiving Dinner – The menu: chicken stew, tacos, burnt mashed potatoes (that was my fault), potato salad, fruit salad, cheesy broccoli, our own concoction of stuffing, store bought cake, and beer. Another teacher and I slaved away all day over three hot plates and a microwave. Burnt potatoes aside, I must say it turned out quite nicely. All the teachers gathered together on Dan’s purple couch to gormandize on our untraditional feast and give thanks for 18 hour work weeks!

5. The Christmas Apples – Christmas isn’t really a big thing in China, with the exception of a few strands of tinsel and some unfortunate looking Santa heads floating about. The one thing they for sure do on Christmas is fruit. So apples are the fruit of safety in China, and therefore it is customary to give them as Christmas gifts to friends and teachers. But not just ordinary apples – apples wrapped in decorative paper! So thanks to my lovely students, I now have more apples than I know what do with! If only there was an oven here to make apple pie. God I miss baked goods.

6. Holiday Parties – Or should I say “parties.” Is it a party if it’s mandatory and all you can think about is stabbing your own eyes out with the dull end of a chopstick? There were three parties this season – one for just the foreigners at our college, one for all the teachers at our college, and one for all the foreigners in Shijiazhuang. The first was sweet – just the foreign teachers, some awesome students, and the song “We Wish you a Merry Christmas” on repeat. The large parties, however, were full of lots of kiss-ass speeches and loads of crap performances (I can say this because my friends and I were one of them). Folks, boredom does not even begin to cover it. I think time might have actually been going backwards. To be fair, however, I do have to admit the food was pretty good, and it was actually kind of fun to rock out to “I’m a Believer” on stage.

7. Christmas Eve – This is the one time I’ve missed American schools – I had to work on Christmas Eve. Although I was showing the movie Elf with Chinese subtitles so it didn’t really feel like working. P.S. After 9 times of watching Will Ferrell fill the residents of New York City with Christmas spirit, I really thought I might kill myself. After work, I went to a Christmas tree decorating competition held by the students, which turned out to be really cute. It was the first time that it really felt like Christmas to me since I’d been in China. I made spaghetti for a few friends, and then we proceeded to go to a bar since we had nothing better to do. At home I would have been watching The Grinch and baking cookies, but alas there was no Grinch and no oven in sight. Wow, my Grandma might have had a point when she told me I reference drinking too often...

8. Christmas Day – Something feels strange; there are no younger brothers knocking at the door begging me to get up. As much as I usually begrudge being woken up, I really really missed them. It was quite peculiar waking up to an empty apartment, and a smidge on the lonely side. Luckily, the apartment was soon buzzing – Richard came down and we made breakfast, and then people began traipsing in and exchanging Secret Santa gifts. I had no Secret Santa gift to open because my room mate drew my name and couldn’t wait until Christmas to give me my gift: it was a nice wallet because I lost mine. Please don’t tell her I’ve lost this one too. Lucky for me, my extremely generous family spent way too much money on postage and had presents shipped to me by Christmas. Thank you everyone, you made my day! I just want to add that I really and truly missed all of you. The rest of Christmas day was complete with lounging, eating pizza, and napping. It was unconventional to say the least, but all in all not too bad.

9. New Year’s Eve – Resolutions have been made and plans are in place. I’ve always been unable to say no, so I have reluctantly accepted an invitation to spend an invitation with Nadya and her friends. She and her friends are all great people, but as a non-Russian speaker, I am in a very small minority. I spend the majority of the evening having no idea what was being said, watching horrible Russian television, and trying to stay awake until midnight. I must be getting old, because I would have much rather spent my New Year’s Eve curled up in bed watching old episodes of 30 Rock until I passed out.

10. New Year’s Day – Aha! I have managed to maintain my glorious tradition of sleeping in and lounging around all day in my sweatpants. It’s nice to know that some things won’t change no matter what country you may be in. I have a personal tradition on January 1st to reflect on the past year. It seems so strange to me that I am now in China; one year ago the idea of picking up and moving across the world had not yet entered my mind. It’s funny how life works out sometimes. Happy New Year everyone; make it a good one.

Bo'ao...Saved the Best for Last!

So, on our list of vacation accomplishments, we have officially checked off the following: Tiananmen Square, Great Wall, cheap hostel with crappy bed, expensive hotel complete with 2 days of pool side lounging, and skin-hungry fish. What’s next on the list? A 5 day stay at a quaint little town called Bo’ao, so named for a creature named Ao, who allegedly possess the head of a dragon, body of a turtle, and tail of a lion. All I can say is ouch on behalf of his mother. A few years back this town had yet to make it on a map, let alone a tourist guidebook, but that was before it had hosted the Asian Forum for something something. My attention to details is impressive, I know. Since then, people have been flocking to this humble and charming fishing village, eager for some peace, quiet, and authenticity. I read about Bo’ao in Lonely Planet, and I am easily influenced, so I booked it immediately.

Compromising between a cheap hostel and an expensive touristy hotel, Barrett and I opt to stay at a Bed and Breakfast run by an American woman and her Chinese husband. The B &B is fantastic. The breakfasts superb. The owners are lovely. (Although, is it normal to feed your pet bird chewed up food from your own mouth?) No other foreigners, no photo ops, no giant tourist traps, and we are just minutes from the beach. But this beach, unlike the ones in Sanya, is dotted with ancient temples, wild goats, and families’ dogs, rather than women trying to sell knock-off pearls. Holy hell, this is the vacation spot I’ve been looking for: a real blend of culture, relaxation, and Western breakfasts. God Bless Bo’ao.

I know I’m gushing, but I have fallen in love with this town. How could life get any better? Waking up to a hot, fresh meal, walking along the isolated beach, talking to locals, hiking through minority villages, lounging around reading a book, eating cheap barbecued seafood, chewing on sugar cane… this is the life. Oh, and get this! Bo’ao is home to a beautiful Buddhist temple that is currently off limits to tourists. Turns out, the owner of the B & B has the hook up and is in tight with one of the monks. We end up having a private tea ceremony with the monk and then have a private viewing of the temple while the monks are busy praying and chanting in the background. And this is after a private boat ride up and down the river and visiting a local village only accessible by water. I’m telling you, this place is amazing!

So I realize that there are no humorous or stupid incidents to report, and the sole purpose of this blog is purely to prattle on and on about my new favorite place in China. I can’t help it! This is by far my favorite few days of the trip and I need to brag about it! I assure you that inevitably I will do something ridiculous or embarrassing and will fill you in on all the humiliating/entertaining details, but for now, my infatuation will have to suffice.

Winter Vacation Part One!

Finals are over, grades have been posted, visas obtained. I now have 6 days of blissful nothingness before my winter extravaganza begins. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic for the 5 week vacation I’m about to embark on. But I, much like everyone, am reveling in some much needed down time. Many friends of mine have traveled to Harbin – a city so cold that tourists’ nipples have been rumored to freeze and fall right off. I myself opted to stay in Shijiazhuang and prep for my upcoming vacation. As a compulsive list maker, I have already made detailed and categorized lists of where I will be staying, and everything I could possibly need. Now all I have to do is pack, and have an endless Lost marathon until Barrett arrives on the 16th. I’m aware that the TV show Lost has been a pop culture staple for the past 6 years, but I’m a little behind the times and am just now starting to watch Season 3. ADDICTING. I blame China and its ridiculously cheap pirated DVDs.
Now the morning of the 16th has arrived, and it’s a day I’ve been waiting for since I first got here. Barrett is coming to China and let me tell you, I have missed this guy. I have been counting down to this day for a few months now, and it’s actually here. Intending to be awesome, I plan it so my train will arrive a few hours before his plane gets in and I can greet him at the gate and it will be running towards each other in slow motion awesomeness. In reality, I couldn’t find the subway and he ends up waiting at the Airport Starbucks for me for an hour. The best laid plans of mice and men…
So, we check into our hotel and order over priced room service and yada yada, fast forward to the next morning. On the agenda today: Tiananmen Square, Forbidden City, and Beihai Park. So, after a full day of sight-seeing, I get the impression that Barrett might be just slightly overwhelmed by the throngs of Chinese people staring, soliciting their tacky crap, and asking us to pose for photo ops. For a laid back guy who enjoys all that is mellow, this was all a bit intrusive. He was managing ok until on the way to dinner we stepped off the subway and into a fresh pile of someone’s puke. I did a little ice skating maneuver through the vomit mound and ended up with chunky splatter all the way up to my knees. I mean, really! What a way to start a nice evening at the Outback. And you don’t have to worry, I will not turn this blog into an homage to my favorite western restaurant, but believe me, I could.
So after eating my deliciously seared prime rib with an all inclusive baked potato and heavenly Caesar salad topped with freshly made croutons, we decide to call it an early night. Why, you ask? Because at 6:20 am we are departing for the Great Wall! Thinking a challenge would be fun, we choose the Simatai section of the Wall. Simatai is the farthest from Beijing, the least touristy, and also the least restored and also the most vigorous section. Looking back, I probably should have taken into account that Barrett and I are both semi-lazy and out of shape, but hind sight is 20/20. The Great Wall is by far one of the most spectacular things I’ve ever seen. Pictures do not do it justice, and the brochures were right: there were no other tourists. The views are picturesque, and being there really makes you stop and appreciate the 200 years it took to build this massive fortress. That being said, the Wall is a wee pain in the ass. It is steep, stairs alternate between ridiculously tiny to insanely large within a span of 4 seconds, and I almost lost my footing numerous times. My classes at the university may be held on the 6th floor of the building, but those daily 5 flight hikes did not prepare me for the workout of the Great Wall. Note to future self: get off ass and do some exercise or you will regret it in the midst of sight-seeing activities.
So with sore and quivering calves we return to our hotel to prep for the 2nd leg of our journey. We are headed to Hainan Island; the Hawaii of Asia. The northern section of the island is a more cultural and realistic portrayal of China, and the southern section being the resort/tropical paradise portion. Being a bit of a traveling snob, I want to go to the northern section to soak up the true experience of China and not just lounge on the beach with a daiquiri in hand like some spoiled tourist. I lasted 3 days before I thought, “To hell with this. I want my daiquiri.” Haikou was an alright city, but the weather was gloomy, the streets were dirty, and the mattress at the hostel rivaled with concrete for comfort. People kept raving about the city of Sanya, so we booked a room at the only available hotel, The Holiday Inn, and made the journey south.
I hate to admit it, but give me tropical drinks by the pool side any day. Life in Sanya is mostly devoid of authentic Chinese culture, but a few days by the beach and tropical poolside is good for the soul. The highlights of Sanya include gorgeous views, swimming in the ocean, drinking cocktails on the beach with a background of fireworks, and a bed that is not rock solid. So what could possibly be the downside to this tropical paradise? For starters, the prices here are exorbitant. The first shock to my system is a $50 laundry bill. I thought they would stick the clothes in the washer and hang them out to dry….but nope, they press them and wrap each article of clothing in sealed plastic. Is it just me, or is that not only bad for the environment but also ridiculously inconvenient? Everything, ranging from taxi rides to meals, is jacked up about 4 times the price it would normally be on the mainland. I guess all good things come at a price, and if tourists are willing to pay it, why not? I also thought it would be a kick in the pants to try new things, so I pay to hang out in a hot spring where “fish doctors” nibble at my dead skin for half an hour until I emerge silky and smooth. I’m not sure what was going on in my head when I deemed this a good idea. I pay for half an hour, and I make it about 6 minutes; in those 6 minutes I get out at least 3 or 4 times. Never ever ever again. In another effort to be cool and embrace the island life, I order a coconut to drink from, and much to my dismay it tastes like bath water. I suppose not all aspects of tropical paradise are meant to be awesome.
The last item on the agenda is to go to Sanya’s famous location, “The End of the Earth.” This beach was once thought to be the most remote corner of the planet, and drew the attention of poets, writers, and admirers alike. As the story goes, it was on this beach that two forbidden lovers of the Romeo and Juliet fashion were forced to jump in the sea and were struck by lightning thus turning them into stone. The lovers/rocks are now intertwined in the ocean for all eternity, destined to be a tourist hot spot for all time. Being here I can appreciate the beauty that once drew the scholars and artists, but it’s a bit hard to appreciate it with the thousands of Chinese tourists mulling about. And they have to pose in front of EVERYTHING. Any enjoyment that could have been experienced from this magnificent scene is thwarted by Chinese families stopping every 8 seconds for a photo op with their peace signs a blazin'. Of course with the peace signs. Always with the peace signs. I am suddenly remembering why I avoid places like this, and now I am craving the quiet, cheap food, and a little bit of authenticity. Cue the last leg of the trip with Barrett: the small fishing village of Bo’ao, so awesome that I think it merits its own blog.

Bringin' home the bacon

It is 3:25 in the morning and for some reason I can’t sleep, so I am waiting for my microwave popcorn to finish popping and making use of the time by writing a new blog. On a side note, thank you Sarah for the popcorn among other things in my care package! And while I am making public proclamations of thanks, this one goes out to Dad, Robin, Owen, Mom, Steve, and Barrett for my care packages as well. You guys are the best! And Dad, as you constantly remind me, I have neglected you in previous blogs, so I owe you a long overdue shout out. Here goes: you are an amazing dad and I don’t know what I would do without you; thanks for always supporting me and for still making me laugh with your stupid jokes I’ve been hearing since I was about 2 feet tall. (I’m aware I set myself up for short jokes). I really am ridiculously blessed to have such a plethora of quirky and amazing family and friends. But before this turns into a Hallmark greeting card, let’s return back to the matter at hand. It is now 3:32 am, and I am no closer to ending this bout of insomnia. The only thing keeping me sane at the moment is knowing that I do not have an early morning wake up call, because my first class starts at 2:00 pm. Yep, my day tomorrow is from 2-5:30, and a half hour break in there somewhere. It’s a hard knock life. You might hate me right now, but to add salt to the wound, I love my job. I enjoy going to classes (most days) and because I teach “Oral English,” I have absolutely no papers to grade. I figure it’s about time for a full blog dedicated to the reason I came to China in the first place: teaching.
To be completely frank, teaching here is a far better gig than I had in America. I only work about 16 hours a week, my prep work is minimal, and students actually respect me here – most of them that is. I’m not saying that students in America weren’t respectful – well, actually I am. There were a large handful of students who made it full time job to make my life more difficult. It’s not to say that all Chinese students are enraptured with my every word, but if they don’t care, most of them are at least polite about it. Students here will offer to help me erase the blackboard and bring me small presents and tell me how much they appreciate my class. It’s kind of a nice change of pace from the constant chorus of “this sucks” and “why do we have to do this?”
Since the semester is coming to a close (this only reminds me that I have been slacking on my blogging duties), I am racking my brain trying to think of the most significant information I can tell you about Chinese university students and my teaching experience. I’ll start with a random assortment of trivia First, students here all have English names, although I think some of these students opened an English dictionary one day, randomly pointed to a word and said, “this is my new English name!” My roster includes such students as Lemony, Bleach, Jam, Comb, NoNo, SoSo, and my personal favourite, Blue Baby. I also get a kick out of some of the students with names that would be too old for my grandparents: Mavis, Ethel, Arthur, and Herman. I almost pissed my pants the first time I took attendance. Let’s see…what else? You should know that university life in China is the polar opposite of American college life. From my own personal experience, I recall that a midterm paper usually took a back seat to beer, a good smoke out, and a keg stand. I used to abide by the philosophy “work hard, play harder,” and some of my best memories in college I was so schnockered that I don’t really remember at all. In China, on the other hand, students have the mantra “work hard, work harder” drilled into their brains at an early age. Although drinking is legal from the time you’re old enough to ask for a beer, students here rarely drink or go to bars and it is considered semi-scandalous. Sad to say, but on weekends it’s the teachers and not the students who are dragging their drunken asses through the gates at half past three in the morning. I don’t know whether the Chinese are the ones missing out, or maybe the Westerners didn’t give our education the full attention it deserved. I’m thinking the first one.
So, I’ve covered their “English” names, their lack of partying, and I think you should also know about the typical demeanor of Chinese university students. Most of them are quite shy, and it is a huge deal in China to “lose face.” A lot of them were shitting themselves the first time I met them because they had to speak English with a foreigner. Well, to be fair, my awesomeness can be intimidating. So the vast majority of them are really conservative, shy, and afraid to make asses of themselves. They also still kind of have the mentality and maturity of Western high school students. They get giggly if someone brings up boyfriends or girlfriends, and they laugh at my B level jokes. I don’t even have to bring my A game to these guys; they laugh at anything. They’re also so ridiculously nice it’s insane! My ego’s gotten so inflated here – they bring small presents, offer to erase the black board for me, and burst into rounds of applause if I attempt to speak Chinese. (Note the heavy emphasis on attempt). It’s going to be a ruuuuuuuude wake up call when I go home, and I’m not funny, and no one praises me for using eating utensils correctly. My chopsticks skills are coming along quite nicely, in case you were wondering.
Before I get too mushy, I should tell you it’s not all a bed of roses – there are down sides to teaching Chinese students. They can be so sensitive that it’s sometimes like walking on a land mine. For Mid-Autumn Festival they eat these things called Moon Cakes, and I think they taste like pieces of crap wrapped in more crap. But, some students took it personally when I said I didn’t care for moon cake. Now when they give me barf-flavored presents, I stick them in my purse until I can chuck them. My friend Richard did a lesson British culture (I’m not sure why anyone would want to learn, but whatever) and he did a comparison between Chinese Yuan and the British Pounds. He shoved his Chinese money back in his pocket after the lesson was over, and his students wrote him a letter suggesting that he treat Chinese money with more respect. What was he supposed to do? Frame it? Oy vey!
I also was unaware of the fact that when you sign on to be a teacher in China, you’re signing up for the “performing monkey” gig as well. Students expect you to do a little song and dance number for them, and the school expects you to whip out a performance at any given function. I frequently sing in the shower, but I have rarely received requests for my singing. It’s a little below par, to put it nicely. But students live for this kind of stuff, so I have taught them everything from Journey to Britney Spears. My singing of English songs is a reward for students if they have worked hard. In what ass-backwards universe is my singing a reward and not a punishment? I’m telling you, China is in some parallel dimension. I am in a land where my singing is appreciated and Pizza Hut is a fine dining experience. Who knew?
Land mines and performing-monkey-bit aside, I love teaching here! It’s fun to teach students that the word ‘usually’ is not pronounced ‘urally.’ I love to watch them try out new slang and tell their friends to “peace out.” I really enjoy making friends with students here; they know the best places to eat, and they teach me Chinese for free. These are good kids and I will miss them when I go. Although considering I’m only about 5 years older than them, maybe ‘kids’ is not the most appropriate word. I start giving final exams in a week --- how did this semester pass so quickly? God bless ‘em;I don’t want to go back!

Random Chinese update

So it’s hard to wrap my head around this, but I’ve been in Shijiazhuang for over two months now and I’m sort of/kind of getting the hang of things. It seems semi-bizarre to me to have “life as usual” in China, but I am done with the “Oh my God, what am I doing here” portion of the program. In a way, my daily life is a little like reliving the college experience. I’m in an apartment building that all the foreign teachers live in, so everyone is a few short flights of stairs away, just like the dorms. I spend time outside of class living in sweat pants eating instant food and drinking cheap bear; again, just like college. Half my classes don’t start until the afternoon and so I roll out of bed around eleven, surf the internet, putz around doing nothing of meaning until it’s time to leave for classes. The only difference is that now after a night of drinking I can’t wander into class the next day in my sweats and wearing last night’s make up. Now roles have reversed; I’m the teacher not the student and I have to bear some semblance of responsibility and maturity. I’m not quite sure if I’ve pulled it off with success yet; but time will tell.
Most days have a series of similar components: I teach classes, I wash my dishes while taking a shower for lack of a kitchen sink, I e mail someone from home, I try a new Chinese restaurant, or eat out at one of my regular favorites. Since the outdoor barbeque is now closed for the season, I’ve been getting my fix of potatoes sautéed in garlic and vinegar, as well as cabbage, cauliflower, and sweet and sour pork. I also have a “burger guy” I go to on a regular basis for 2 kuai burgers, which is equivalent to about 34 cents; cheap and good! Plus, the guy knows by now I don’t like it spicy and I am adamantly against onions contaminating my duck burger. Yeah, it’s not quite like McDonald's. Here in China, my burger options consist of duck, pork, or donkey. In case you were wondering, I have tried the donkey burger, and it wasn’t quite my cup of tea. But you never know, maybe I just ate a donkey that was having an off day. Every once in a while, I’ll have an out of the ordinary food related experience that catches me off guard. For example, last week a student asked if I wanted to have lunch with her and eat duck. I like duck, so I was all for it. As she and I are walking together after class, I ask her what restaurant we are going to, and she replies, “No restaurant. I have it with me.” She then proceeds to pull a full duck in plastic wrapping out of her purse. You just don’t see that every day. FYI, the purse duck was freaking fantastic. I need to start carrying birds in my handbag; maybe it’s some sort of flavoring technique that we haven’t picked up on yet in The States.
Speaking of food, I’ve been able to now order some of my favourite dishes on my own without needing a translator, and my language skills are progressing a bit in other areas as well. And by a bit, I do mean like a teensy eensie baby bit. If I haven’t stressed this before, Chinese is hard! I’ve been practicing with taxi drivers and random people I meet, or students that I go out to lunch with because they are always eager to teach me new phrases. Sadly, the vast bulk of the language still eludes me. Too many times I’ve fallen into the trap of just nodding and smiling and the people look at me like I’m a daft idiot when they have clearly asked me a question that does not require a yes or no answer. I’m guessing, and hoping, that it gets easier and that more and more comprehension will start to seep into my brain, and I’m hoping that’s not just me being naïve and foolishly optimistic.
As I’m adapting, I’m becoming more adept at picking up on the subtle nuances of Chinese culture that I hadn’t anticipated before arriving. First, I’ve mentioned the four tones before which dictate the pronunciation of a word and its meaning, but as it turns out there is a fifth tone I didn’t know about. If you listen carefully, you can hear this elusive and difficult-to- master fifth tone multiple times a day, most often on the streets; the tone starts deep in the throat and is completed when a loogie is officially hocked up and released onto the pavement. The Chinese have perfected the art of the fifth tone, but I think they’re still trying to improve their crafts, because I hear them practicing all day long. They’re diligent, I tell you.
Another aspect of Chinese culture which I hadn’t anticipated was the inner workings of Chinese logic. Or to be frank, lack thereof. Well there might be some logic, but it makes no logical sense, so I don’t know if it can technically be defined as logic. You may be thinking this seems a little harsh, and Big Brother if you’re reading, I’m sorry to offend you, but even you have to be with me on this one. Living here has given me so much respect for the Chinese culture in so many ways; after all, this is an ancient civilization responsible for the creation of gun powder and the compass among other things. Who doesn’t love the compass? But logic and efficiency, in my opinion, cannot be added to China’s “Things We Do Well” list. It’s not just me; you can ask almost any foreigner who has stayed here for any length of time; there is just an ass backwards way of thinking in this country.
Let me give you a small scale example from my first brush with Chinese “logic.” In the first few weeks here I had to hand over my passport so that official paperwork could be completed- not a big deal, I wasn’t using it anyways. One day when I’m in the middle of teaching a class, my supervisor trekked the five flights of stairs to my classroom and then tells me she needs to speak to me privately. Thinking this is semi-urgent, I make up something to occupy my class and step outside. She hands me my passport and says, “Here is your passport. But please bring it to me after class so I can make a copy.” Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m thinking it would make more sense to make a copy BEFORE bringing it to me in the middle of class. Chances were I didn’t need it for that particular hour and a half stretch of the day, but this is a classic example of Chinese “logic.”
The passport incident is only one small and seemingly insignificant anecdote, but I’m telling you, so much of the country is operated on this sort of thought process. I’ve been to the grocery store so many times and have bought a week and a half worth of groceries, only to be greeted by the same question, “Do you want a bag?” Nah, I thought I would practice my juggling skills on the way home and see how much of this crap I could keep in the air. Really? I just don’t get it. To be honest though, it’s more amusing than frustrating, and I suppose there is a possibility that the logic is so far above my head that maybe I haven’t yet grasped its genius inner workings. And in all fairness, if we started examining Western logic, there are so many holes it’s like looking at Swiss cheese.
But loogies and logic aside, I am in love with living here. I really am. I can’t pinpoint one specific thing about China that I love, but for some reason I love it all. I love the fruit vendors, and the street food, and the packaged milk, and the stray dogs on the street. I love that strangers giggle or stare at me with perplexed faces when I smile at them for no reason at all. I love that the streets are lined with pool tables and I love that friends here hold hands just because. I love hailing a taxi and practicing the only Chinese phrases I know with the driver. I even love that most of the time I understand nothing of what’s being said around me and everything is white noise, because it pushes me to want to learn. I love that I am learning something every day about the people, or the language, or the food, or myself and that I am not entirely one hundred percent at ease here. I mean that only in the best possible way, because if I felt one hundred percent comfortable here, then I wouldn’t be doing what I set out to do, which is challenge myself and get scared a little shitless. In truth, the streets are often filled with trash, the people don’t wear seat belts, and I have major ethical objections to the internet filters, but I love living in this bizarre parallel universe.

Beijing, baby!

Beijing and Beyond! Well, no, actually just Beijing. But still, out of Shijiazhuang! So Swine Flu is out of the picture, at least as far as my vacation is concerned, and I’m outta here! One train ride at 6:30 am (thanks to Nadya) later and we are on our way. Now I guess it would be a bit of a lie to say I’ve never been to Beijing, because in truth, I dragged my sorry, jet-lagged ass through the city when I first landed in China. But, with the exception of the buildings I saw out the taxi window from the airport to the train station, I can’t say I’ve seen much of the city. So now I’m heading to the city with my other foreign teacher friends, for whom Beijing is old news. There’s Nadya from Belarus, Richard from England, and Dani from Iowa, which may technically be part of the States, but in my book, anything east of Colorado and west of Pennsylvania counts as butt fuck Egypt. You probably need a passport to enter the middle of the country, so I just haven’t bothered.

The four of us arrive in Beijing at about 8:30 am which is still technically the middle of the night to someone not used to waking up before noon. Nadya has plans to meet up with a friend at the train station, so Richard, Dani, and I grab a taxi to our hostel. My first intention is to take a big, fat nap, but not until after I’ve had a proper American breakfast. I haven’t had bacon, hash browns, or toast in about 7 weeks, and that is too long to go without that option! And it’s only $3 for a full breakfast! Ahhhh, life is good; nothing beats fresh toast in the morning.

So, in theory, I knew the three of us would be sharing a room with others; I just hadn’t fully prepared myself for the actuality of it. In my delusional head, everyone would have decided Beijing was not worth the trip and we would have the room to ourselves. Hrrrumphh. Maybe I’ve been too spoiled by private hotel rooms and my own bathroom where I don’t have to wear flip flops in the shower, but this whole ten strangers to a room is quite the shock to my system. Since we got to the hostel around 9:00 in the morning, most of the inhabitants of Room 318 are still sleeping. And snoring. The only beds left are the top bunks, and I have a serious lack of coordination when I’m not trying to climb over a sleeping body, but when I am, but uncoordinated abilities tend to double. However, my need for a nap is that great, so I climb over everyone’s array of shit on the floor, the sleeping bodies, and hurl myself onto the top bunk. Looking around, the only person that really catches my attention is this guy on a bottom bunk who has so much hair, front and back, that he might as well be wearing a sweater; holy shit this guy is furry. It turns out his name is Levee from Israel, and he often leaves and has to come back shortly because he forgot his shoes. Don’t ask, because I don’t understand it myself.

So my first official sightseeing stop in Beijing is Tiananmen Square, and although it’s exciting to witness a square that was the official site for a needless massacre, it’s pretty much just a big square. Although, in homage to China’s 60th National Day Celebration, it has been decorated with some tacky crap and there are about 80 kajillion people roaming about. Still, it is my first sight seeing extravaganza and I am pumped! From here I can see the Forbidden City, although I didn’t go in. (And not because it’s forbidden, if that’s what you’re thinking). So, since Mao’s dead body exhibit isn’t open today, we decide to poke around and maybe check out a foreign book store, and then it’s back to the hostel to get ready for a night out. I’m about to piss myself with excitement, because for the first time in 7 weeks, I’m going to eat at Outback Steak House. Why come to China and eat American food, you might be asking yourself. Well let me tell you, I’d sell my soul right about now for a piece of real cheese, and 2 straight months of nothing but Chinese food starts to weigh on a person’s wellbeing. It is for my own good and for the good of those around me that I am eating an overpriced prime rib tonight, because if I hadn’t, I couldn’t be held responsible for my actions. And don’t get me started on the Caesar salad I had, because I’ll probably start welling up at the memory. And I just realized I pretty much wrote an entire paragraph about the Outback, so maybe it’s about time to wrap up that segment of my blog. Moving along…

So many bars in Beijing and so little time! A very nice change of pace from the usual clubs we frequent, and after all, variety is the spice of life. After chilling with a few beers, we make our way to another bar where we proceed to hang out, take shots called “lube jobs” and I am conned into pantomiming and acting out what a lube job is to the Chinese bar tender. I wonder how many foreigners he’s gotten to do that just for shits and giggles. Anyways, it’s a shock to my system to see so many white people in one place, so I decide to mix and mingle and introduce myself to people and find out where everyone’s from. It’s going well until I stumble on this British chick, who turns out to be a giant, raving bitch. I started with a simple compliment: I liked her hair. And she retorts, “well, it’s kind of genetic so I don’t really have a choice in the matter. “OK British girl, I’m just trying to be nice. I try again, and ask her what she’s doing in Beijing and tell her I’m an English teacher from Seattle. She then says, “Wow. It must be hard to teach English when you can’t speak the language properly.” Yep, she’s one of those British people. Now my friend Richard ranks on America all the time, which is fine because he’s my friend and I can just as easily tell him that his queen has herpes, but this chick doesn’t know me! I don’t know why I keep bothering to try and win this girl over, but I try and develop some camaraderie by talking about China and thinking maybe we can commiserate about the squatting toilets and the lack of toilet paper. She asks me, “So you came half way across the world to piss and moan about tissue paper?” Alright British bitch, you win. I’m done. And just so you know, we kicked your asses once and we could do it again. That’s right, check your history book.
After that incident, we decided to go to a club, have overpriced drinks, and dance the night away. At about 4 o clock, I wander out of the bar and stumble into McDonalds for some middle of the night drunk munchies. Unfortunately, all this western food combined the plethora of shots I have pounded turn me into an emotional homesick wreck, and I start crying over my chicken nuggets like an oversized. I’m sure it was quite the sight, and I don’t want to think too much about it so we’re going to skip past it and the part where I drunkenly stumbled over sleeping hostel mates.
So now we’re on to the next day. Nadya has disappeared into no man’s land with a friend of hers, and Dani is off gallivanting with a Chinese man she met. Is it just me, or do people not use the word gallivanting enough? I think it should make a comeback. So basically, Richard is stuck being my tour guide and helping me to navigate the Beijing subway system. We eventually decide to take a long walk to a park called Beihei Park, which I thought was some hole in the wall landscape with some grass and benches. I didn’t know he was talking about the Imperial Gardens, and it turned out to be fantastically amazing. The temples, views, and scenery were a refreshing break from the busy grind of the city, and I could really imagine emperors coming here to collect their thoughts and be surrounded by beauty. It was worth the long walk in my inadequate flip flops (I was packing in a hurry at 5:30 am and I didn’t consider the best footwear). After trekking around town with my achy feet and chafed thighs, all I wanted was a nap and I unintentionally ended up sleeping through the hostel’s dumpling making party. Damnit! I was seriously looking forward to that.

Fast forward to the next morning after a sleepless night and being woken up by people entering and leaving the room, snoring, and opening my eyes to see Richard across the room in a man-thong. He claims they are normal underwear, but they were ridiculously small, and let’ s call a spade a spade. I don’t think anyone could go back to sleep after this; I sure as hell couldn’t. And I almost forgot to mention, that the day before, I threw a walnut at him and he freaked out, thinking it was a giant mosquito. What a lemon, that one is. So after breakfast we decide to meet up with Nadya who insists that the Olympic Village is the best sight to see in Beijing. So we saw the Bird’s Nest building, and the aquatic center, and walked around for an hour, which is one hour of my life that I will never get back. I’m sorry Nadya, I think it’s cool and all that the 2008 Olympics were held in Beijing, but there is only so long you can milk it, and there’s really nothing to get excited about now in my opinion. So now we’re on our way to the Summer Palace, and by this time I am really kicking myself in the ass for not bringing a good pair of walking shoes. And of course the Summer Palace is about 270 miles in circumference and we get to walk the whole thing! I am only mildly exaggerating…those emperors had quite the hook up. Anyways, the views, temples, and atmosphere were absolutely breath taking, and if it weren’t for the swarm of tourists it would have been so peaceful and soothing. And then we got to take a boat ride to an island in the middle of a lake, which is awesome! I love boat rides! Who doesn’t? I’ve never heard of anyone having a bad time on a boat. Except for maybe the Titanic, but that was ages ago!

So all in all, I enjoyed Beijing immensely, even if we almost missed our train due to a manipulative taxi driver and had to run like hell through the train station. I passed out on the train and woke up only to pass out about 4.7 seconds after we walked in the door. Definitely nice to have a break, short as it may be, from Shijiazhuang. In all truthfulness I feel a bit like a loser that this is my first time out of the city since arriving in China. Guess I need to make a bit more of an effort. I have only about 10 months less now, so I suppose I better get a move on!

Ni Hao!!!!

Fast forward 3 weeks, and I am officially a Chinese resident (according to my temporary Chinese residency permit). My vocabulary has multiplied by about 10 thanks to my patient Chinese friends, but I’m not sure how much that is saying considering my lack of speaking abilities to begin with. I’ve been practicing my dialogue abilities with various taxi drivers; we usually run out of conversation within 30 seconds or less, but that’s 30 seconds or less that I couldn’t speak/understand before. I can also correctly, with the proper tones and everything, say: ‘I hear, but I don’t understand,’ ‘I do not want cilantro on my dish’ and ‘class is over,’ all of which have served me well. I’ve already found my regular restaurants where they recognize my roommate and I. Granted it’s probably not hard considering we’re the only white people there, but it’s nice nonetheless. My liver has also been taking quite the hit this past month. Maybe I’m trying to relive my college days, maybe I’m bored, or maybe I’m just susceptible to the peer pressure by the other foreigners, but somehow, a beer ends up in my hand every night, and I keep frequenting the clubs that I claim to detest. C’est la vie! If I had a Chinese translation of this, it would be far more appropriate, but I don’t, so tough.
People did warn me that Shijiazhuang was dirty, polluted, and had little to do for fun. Well, turns out they were right, but I still like it here. A friend of mine called the city “a piece of real China,” which I think describes it perfectly. There are no tourist traps, the restaurants and shops are not targeted toward English speakers, and I’ve yet to see a vendor sitting on the street corner selling cheap plastic replicas of the Great Wall. The one fun filled exception would be the trip to the zoo, which was by far and away the best zoo I’ve ever been to. Not only was it a gorgeous, pagoda filled haven, but I got to sit on an elephant, pet a giraffe, and for 75 cents I was able to dangle raw chicken on a stick into the crocodile reservoir. I thought the crocodiles would be snapping and jumping for the meat, but instead they just sat there, eerily still, until they suddenly snatched the chicken out of my unsuspecting hands and made me scream like a little girl. Quite possibly the coolest and most terrifying thing I’ve ever done. Aside from the zoo, the lack of recreational activities does, however, in fact mean that I have been spending a good chunk of my free time watching all 5 seasons of Desperate Housewives over cups of tea with Nadya, my kick ass roommate. Yeah, it turns out having a roommate is fantastic, and I would probably be desperately lonely without her. She and the other foreigners have been a spectacular source of entertainment and company, and without them, I would most likely be sitting in room alone curled up in the fetal position and wanting to go home.
Now, I would like to venture out and explore other cities of China, which I will get to eventually, but a few obstacles have managed to prevent me. First, there’s that old nuisance of employment and having to hang around to do the job they hired me to do. That’s a topic that deserves its own blog, so my teaching experiences will have to come on a different day. The next and probably biggest barrier is H1N1, the god damn swine flu. Three colleges in the area have been quarantined and have had their holidays canceled and are forced to stay on campus. China’s 60th national celebration is coming up in the first week of October, and I was going to take advantage of this break by busting out of Shijiazhuang and wrecking havoc in other cities. Unfortunately, this might not be in the cards for me, and I could spend the entire “vacation” stuck on campus without any new episodes of Desperate Housewives! Life just isn’t fair! Although, it is probably considerably less fair to those who actually have swine flu, but still, they’re ruining it for the rest of us! I never said I wasn’t a selfish bitch. So here’s hoping that several weeks from now, you will be reading a blog about my glorious outings in China, and not a blog pissing and moaning about how much my life sucks and how I’m going to seek vengeance on the Chinese swine flu victims! So until next time, xai jian! (It means goodbye…can’t believe you didn’t know that.)