Any last words?

Alas the day has come; I’m going home. I am sitting at the airport with about 2 hours to kill until I can check in for my flight. Now, my plan was to spend this blog reminiscing and getting all nostalgic about China and how I’ve grown and learned and yada yada yada. But first, I just want to say that Chinese Airport Starbucks dicked me over by selling me gift cards with no money on them! I thought I wouldn’t have to pay for my airport breakfast this morning by using my prepaid gift cards at Starbucks, but low and behold I am drinking my hot chocolate paid for by money out of my pocket! (Cue grumbling and muttering to myself and the onset of a bad mood). I just wanted tell my story to the world so others don’t have to suffer as needlessly as I have. I hear that Starbucks rip offs are among the leading causes of emotional scarring throughout the world.

Well, I refuse to let Airport Starbucks interrupt my blog of wisdom and reflection, so here goes. It’s been a rough morning. Leaving is harder than I thought it would be. For the past few months I’ve been pissing and moaning about the pollution, the poop on the streets (animal or human…you never know), the incessant crowds, the staring…you name it, I’ve bitched about it. I’ve been so amped up to leave that I almost forgot about everything I’m going to miss. My friend Star, probably the best friend I’ve made in China, saw me off this morning, and saying goodbye to that kid was like an emotional punch in the gut. You’ve never met someone so sweet and caring about others. He’s like a teddy bear wrapped in cotton candy and topped with rainbows and sunshine. And there are so many just like him. If I could, I’d stuff them all in my suitcase and take them with me. With the exception of a rare few, I’ve found most Chinese people to be really kind and gracious. (This is excluding some douche bag taxi drivers and the airport employee who sold me the crap gift cards). And then there are the foreign teachers I worked with – a really oddly mixed group of people, but I would not have survived without them. Of all the things I will miss about China, I will miss people the most.

Now, I’m not going to romanticize my experience: to say I’ve loved every second of being in China would be a complete and utter lie. There are times I wanted bitch slap China in the face, and it probably wanted to do the same to me. My relationship with China was kind of like a high school romance – I had my period of infatuation and elation, and then things got a bit rocky and I wanted to take a break. We had high points and low points, and in the end, I will remember the high points fondly, and the low points were learning experiences for my future “relationships.” And just like any break up, I’m crying now that it’s over. But even the things that drove me out of my mind are a part of the culture that I wouldn’t have traded. Yeah, it’s different from what I’m used to, but if I wanted the familiarity of home, I would have stayed there. I’m a different person because of China. I got to immerse myself in a culture that before I had only vaguely learned about in history classes and through Jackie Chan movies. I got to do something I’ve been dreaming about for years, and I like to think I’m slightly the wiser for it.

There are many things I can do that seemed impossible when I first arrived. I remember feeling like an infant when I got here; I couldn’t express myself, I couldn’t order my own food, I couldn’t go anywhere without assistance. I was utterly helpless. I now know enough Chinese to have simple conversations, buy my own train tickets, order meals, and haggle with the best of ‘em. The Chinese language is not the white noise that it once was. Granted, half the time I’m making educated guesses at what they might possibly be saying and about 98% of the time I’m wrong. But that’s a 2% improvement from when I started! Since coming here, I’ve become a better multi-tasker: I can effectively wash dishes while showering. I’m not sure I’ll even remember how to do the dishes with my clothes on. I’ve also gained some aggression. Coming from a formerly passive person, this is actually a positive trait. I no longer politely stand aside while everyone takes advantage of my manners; I can elbow my way to the front of the line. I can shove my way onto a subway when it didn’t seem possible to fit one more person. I can make myself heard in a sea of screaming customers. In short, I traded in my manners for some assertion and learned to survive because of it. I have not, however, improved my ability to use squat toilets. I still manage to pee on myself a little bit every time. I now have deep respect for those who use these on a daily basis without soiling themselves.

What else can I tell you? I guess I learned to give up some of my pre-conceived notions and just go with it. Prior to my trip to China, I had Asians lumped into one category: clean, well mannered, organized and efficient. Turns out, that’s not entirely true. Chinese people come from a traditional, ritualized and structured culture, but that’s old school China. The rituals and traditions are often a thing of the past, and the majority of modern China is pushy, bustling and absolute chaos. I had to adapt. I had to get used to rules and directions and schedules changing on a whim. The cliché ‘expect the unexpected’ became my anthem. China’s constant pandemonium got on my nerves. A LOT. But, it was an awesome reminder that I am on someone else’s turf and I don’t get to dictate how I think someone else’s culture should be run. Living in China has been a pretty humbling experience: my customs and culture are not universal and I need to get over it. Once I stopped comparing and just appreciated China for the unique culture that it is, the irritation took a backseat to awe and observation. If I can take one thing away from China it is this: things are not what they seem and not what you expect, so just enjoy it for what it is. In the words of John Lennon, “Let it be.”

So as I am now leaving to board my plane and will be eating my mom’s lasagna in just 14 short hours, I will part with this: I am different because of China. Not better, not worse, but different. I spent a year in a foreign country that I knew absolutely nothing about. I used balls I didn’t know I had. I am ready to go, but there are many things I’m positive I will miss. I will miss my friends, street barbeques, Chinese babies, deciphering a new language, nightlife, fresh fruits on the street corners, my students, exercising with the foreign teachers, walking down unfamiliar alleys, using chopsticks, cheap beer, and being 100% out of my element. It will be nice to be able to read street signs and shop for all the foods I’ve missed, but I know what’s coming and it’s all expected. I will miss that about my life in China. I know now that my stint in China is not a ‘one-time only’ type of deal. I’m meant to surround myself with the unfamiliar, and someday I will be writing this blog from Honduras, or Morocco, or Finland, or wherever else I’m going to end up. So China, thanks for that. You have been one of the most defining experiences I’ve had to date and I won’t forget you. So take care of yourself China, I’m sure we’ll see each other again someday. Until then, peace out.