The Small, Slender, Chinese Wedding

On January 2nd of this year I was able to attend a pretty rad demonstration of Chinese culture – a Chinese wedding. I am aware it’s already May, so my blogging is just sliiiiiightly behind schedule. Oops. So I received the wedding invite via text message from the groom. The groom, Devin, is the assistant/translator for a CEO that I occasionally teach private English lessons. He’s a pretty cool guy, and even though I don’t know anyone, I figure this is probably the only time in my life I will get to attend a Chinese wedding. The first immediate difference between Chinese and American weddings – the bride and groom are waiting together at the entrance of the hotel to greet guests as they arrive. I’m escorted to a round table and sit next to the CEO and some of his business associates. At the table are some appetizers, Chinese white wine, and several packs of expensive cigarettes. A quick note on traditional Chinese white wine- it is Satan in a shot glass. This stuff is strong and tastes like jet fuel - a few shots of this and people have to peel me off of the floor. On a secondary note – if someone important offers you this drink, it’s a big slap in the face to them if you refuse. More on that later.

So the Chinese ceremony and reception are one meshed event so there’s no need to change locations. The party comes to us! So the lights have been dimmed and the ceremony is beginning. Now keep in mind I can only understand about every 18th word, so my comprehension is shall we say, somewhat minimal. But my powers of observation are still in check, so here’s what I gathered: The bride and groom walk down the aisle separately and the atmosphere is kind of like a rave. Bright and multicolored strobe lights are flashing and confetti is being pelted at them. When they finally make their way up the aisle, there is a lot of speech giving, bowing to the parents, and drinking from a tower of flowing champagne. It’s all very sweet, but I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing at the music selection. The only songs I can understand are “I can Show you the World” from Aladdin, and a power ballad from the eighties. I can’t remember the name of the song, but the lyrics go a little something like: “I’m your laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaady, and you are my man….whenever you reach for me…” and so on and so forth. Man oh man, leave it to the Chinese to use these songs in their wedding soundtrack.

So after a short 15 or 20 minute ceremony, the bride and groom walk back down the aisle and then the food and drinking commence. The platters of traditional Chinese food start coming, and coming, and they just keep coming. It’s traditional to have way more food than can possibly be eaten but I gave it my best shot. Free food? Wouldn’t you dig in too? So after everyone starts stuffing their faces, the Chinese start their tradition of toasting everyone and their dog walkers’ uncles. Just when you start to take a delicious bite, someone comes over and we must stand up and do the obligatory toasting and cheersing with the drinks of “liquid Satan.” I mean seriously, every time I took a mouthful of food, someone else was at our table eager to clink some glasses. So, not wanting to be rude, I stand up every time someone raises their glass and I down that devil of a drink. If I’ve failed to mention it before, baijiu has an alcohol content of about 4 bajillion percent. So my politeness has now gotten me tanked, but before I make too big of an ass out of myself, the wait staff comes around and clears plates, the lights come up, and the message is clear: Everyone get the hell out. The entire wedding from start to finish is an hour and a half. Luckily for me, the CEO offered to drive me home so I didn’t have to stumble out in the snow and find a taxi in my state. It was by far, the shortest, most direct, and to the point wedding I've ever been to. Maybe American weddings should take the hint...